Hiding Behind Love Read online

  If I were being honest with myself, being married to Kolton wasn’t as repellant of a thought as it should be to someone in my position who’d decided to eschew all men and lead my own life on my own terms. There was just something about him that made the idea appealing, even though he seemed to be more against it than even I was. Now that stung deep.

  “I’m not runnin’ ta Vegas and gettin’ married, so get that thought right outta your head, Ma. There’s a lot I’ll do for ya, includin’ givin’ my own life ta save yours, but this just ain’t included,” Kolton stubbornly declared, and I watched as she squared her shoulders and met him dead on.

  “Really? What if it were my dyin’ wish? Would ya do it then?” she asked belligerently, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips she was fighting hard to hide. I knew she’d just played her trump card, and no matter what I said, Kolton would fold within the next few plays.

  “Ma, ya still got options and choices. You’re not dyin’, so don’t go there. It’s not fair, and it’s not funny neither,” Kolton said. Every ounce of exhaustion I’d seen in him since he’d stood over me in that stable seemed to weigh on his shoulders right then, making me feel horribly guilty for dropping on their doorstep the way I did.

  “I’m not gettin’ a heart, Kolt,” Bonnie whispered quietly, looking down at the hands she had tightly wrapped around her empty coffee mug to avoid meeting his shocked eyes.

  “That’s not true. You’re on the donor list. Maybe not as high as we’d like you to be, but you’re still on it, which means there’s always a chance.” The desperation in Kolton’s eyes and voice shredded my heart as tears welled up in my eyes for the pain these two were experiencing. “Don’t give up hope now, Mama!”

  “I’m no longer on the list. I’m tired, Kolt. More tired than ya can ever imagine.” Bonnie slumped in her chair, and I was thankful it had armrests on either side to help keep her in it because she seemed to have nothing left at this point. “I’ve lived through things ya can’t even begin ta imagine, and yet I’m still soldierin’ on. I wanna rest and be at peace, but the only way I can do that is if I know ya got a good woman at your side ta take care of ya and slap ya upside the head when you’re getting ornery.”

  “What are ya sayin’, Ma? You’re just givin’ up?” Kolton’s voice sounded as desolate as the Sahara Desert when the realization of exactly what his mother was telling him hit home and stuck.

  “I called the doctor yesterday afternoon and told him to have my name removed from the list,” Bonnie revealed, a single tear for her son’s heartbreak making its way down her cheek.

  I couldn’t hold mine back for the life of me. I was experiencing so many emotions, one on top of the other, and knew that what I was going through had nothing on what Kolton was being beaten alive with. This was his mama, the only blood family he had left that I could tell, and she was throwing in the towel.

  “Why in the hell would ya do that, Ma!” Kolton bellowed. His chair went flying back against the wall as he leapt to his feet, leaning forward onto the table and glaring hard at his mother. His knuckles were white and eyes full of the tears he was barely holding back.

  “Because as soon as I met Carissa and saw the two of ya together, I knew ya’d be just fine without me. I knew she’d been sent here for a reason, ta take care of ya when I’m gone and love ya the way ya deserve ta be loved. I took one look into that beautiful girl’s eyes and saw myself when I was her age,” Bonnie explained, more tears raining down her cheeks as she answered Kolton’s question.

  My eyes widened in response, as Kolton’s glare turned to burn hotly through me as if I belonged in the fires of hell for showing up on their doorstep. The look he skewered me with spoke volumes of how much he hated me in that moment for daring to sleep in their stable and be caught doing so, as if I’d foreseen that such an act would result in Bonnie making such a drastic decision.

  “Don’t ya dare go blaimin’ her! I ain’t so far gone I can’t whoop your ass, boy.”

  Without another word, Kolton stomped to the door and flung it open so hard I swore it would fly off its hinges, before pausing in the doorway to speak. “Call the doctor back and tell him ya made a mistake. Fix this before it’s too late.” His voice wavered with the unshed tears he was restraining by a thread of pride as he pleaded with his mother one more time.

  “No,” Bonnie said simply but firmly and watched as her only child stormed through the door, slamming it behind him so hard, the windows shook in their frames upstairs as well as down.

  Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, letting the dust settle in Kolton’s wake and me trying to process everything that had just happened since we’d finished breakfast. How did we get here? I’d only just been found sleeping in the stable a few minutes more than twenty-four-hours prior, and yet it felt as if years had passed since I’d opened my eyes to find Kolton standing over me. Did Bonnie really think a woman she just met was the one to step up and fill her shoes around here? She didn’t even know me!

  “Please don’t think I made this decision lightly, ‘cause I didn’t. I’ve only been holdin’ on ‘cause I didn’t wanna leave Kolt alone in this harsh world with no one ta lean on. You arrivin’ the way ya did was my sign that the Lord would soon be callin’ me home. I’d prayed just last week for his help in ensurin’ he’d be all right after my passin’.” Bonnie spoke so softly, I almost didn’t hear her at all, but her voice was resolute. She believed in her choice and wasn’t going to back down from it. The rest was left in mine and Kolton’s hands from here.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up her hand to pause my words, her eyes pleading with me to just listen to all she had to say before uttering another word. Respectfully, I closed my mouth and focused my sole attention on her. I knew in my heart of hearts, I had to hear every single word as to why she’d put me in the position of trying to force me to marry her son. Maybe these words would change my mind when her earlier ones hadn’t.

  “I was a lot like you when I was your age, only less headstrong then, and my father was a lot like yours. I did everythin’ my father told and asked of me, includin’ marryin’ the man he’d chosen for me, even though he made my insides wanna come ta the outside. I knew my daddy had my best interests at heart. Don’t know if yours does or doesn’t, but mine actually did. Unfortunately, the man I married played a role for my daddy,” Bonnie spoke with a calm that belied her words. I heard the undercurrent of fear and sadness, heartache and rage, and my heart broke for all she’d endured. “On our weddin’ night, as soon as we made it back ta his place, he beat the snot outta me for refusin’ ta consummate our weddin’ vows, since the vile man disgusted me. See, I’d seen through the act he’d put on for Daddy, but Daddy had never met anyone who wasn’t his friend. He saw the good in all people, whether it was truly there or not.”

  I nodded, understanding everything she was telling me and everything she wasn’t. My heart ached for all she’d been through, and I understood a bit better why she was so tired. Back then, divorce wasn’t widely accepted, so I’d have to assume she’d stuck with the marriage to avoid being cast out of her community. It was an awful state of events.

  “For over twenty years I dealt with that drunken bastard’s fists poundin’ on me and his hateful words ringin’ in my ears, until Kolton was born. I couldn’t, in good conscience, let my beautiful baby boy grow up watching his mama get beat daily by the good for nothin’ that helped create him, so I finally fought back. I took a fryin’ pan ta his head the next time he came at me, and the next and the next until he quit comin’.”

  Bonnie was lost in a world of her own painful memories, while tears streamed down my cheeks in rivers of horror and sympathy for all she’d been through. I wondered if that would be what I faced if I followed through on my father’s orders to marry Carver Evans. A shudder ripped through me at the mere thought of pledging my life to that man.

  “When Kolton was a toddler, Caleb moved ta the area, and my husband hired him on the spot
, lookin’ for an excuse ta sit on his lazy ass and drink some more, instead of workin’ the ranch and continuin’ ta care for his family. By then, my pa had passed, and we were livin’ and workin’ here for our survival. Back then, though, the ranch wasn’t what ya see it as today.” Bonnie shook her head, pride bubbling up in her eyes. “No, what ya see here today is all ‘cause of Caleb and Kolton. Oh how I wish Daddy had met Caleb long before he met Norman. Caleb was a man I could’ve lived happily ever after with, just like Kolton is for ya. He’s a good man, hard-workin’, hard-lovin’, hard-headed, and honest ta a fault. He’ll do right by ya, come hell or high water.”

  I nodded, unable to speak around the knot that had formed in my throat. She’d done what I thought she couldn’t do when she first proposed the idea of Kolton and I marrying each other to protect me from my father and Carver: she’d convinced me her plan was the right course of action. Now, how to get Kolton past his grief to follow through with his end of the deal… That was the twenty-million-dollar question, and I had no answer whatsoever for it.

  Chapter Ten

  Kolton

  “Did ya know about this?” I demanded of Caleb when I found him scooping poop from the hog pens. He looked up at me, eyes wide in confusion as I barreled toward him.

  “What the hell are ya gettin’ on ‘bout now?” Caleb drawled, not seeming to comprehend the severity of why I was so livid.

  “Mama takin’ her name off the donor list. You know anythin’ ‘bout that?” I placed my hands on my hips and stared him down, daring him to lie to me. If Mama had confided in anyone here, it would’ve been old Caleb. Contrary to their belief, I knew about the relationship they thought they kept well hidden from me. I’d been pretending not to know for years now. Hell, I wished they’d just come right out in the open with it. I’d be happy for both of them, but that was entirely beside the point.

  “Now what in the Sam Hell would she do that for?” Caleb burst out angrily, tossing the shovel he’d been using over the fence before following it over with a shocking speed and agility I wouldn’t expect a man of his age to have.

  “She’s got it in her head that I need to marry Carissa to protect her, and since I’ll have Carissa here as my wife, I won’t need her ‘round anymore,” I explained, waving my hands furiously in the air, unable to keep the energy of my bone-deep pain and rage contained.

  “Whoa now.” Caleb held up his hand, thoroughly bewildered by what I’d just said. “Back up a minute and catch me up. What’s this ‘bout marryin’ Carissa, and what’s she need protectin’ from?”

  It took me a few minutes to sum up the entire story, Caleb only interjecting a time or two to ask a question on a point he felt he needed further clarification on. By the time I was finished, he was shaking his head sadly.

  “Ya know yer ma as well as I do, son. If she’s made up her mind, there ain’t no changin’ it, no matter how much ya want her to,” Caleb said, his voice cracking from the emotion welling up inside of him.

  This man had loved my mama from the time he’d laid eyes on her while applying for his job. He’d done everything in his power to protect her from my father’s hateful and drunken beatings, even going as far as to threaten his life if he didn’t leave for good when he’d had enough of listening to the man speak nothing but ill of her. This man was my daddy in every way that counted. I knew he felt same the crushing despair and churning rage that her decision had caused in me.

  “We can’t just let her give up,” I pleaded as he sank down to the ground, not bothering to hide or wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. I joined him, praying he had an answer I hadn’t thought of yet.

  “There ain’t no lettin yer ma do anythin’. That woman does whatever she has a mind ta doin’, and heaven help whoever stands in her way. The only thing any of us can do is accept her decision and make her last days as comfortable and full of love as possible,” he said, grasping my wrist with a shaky grip. As much as his words sounded strong, this man was breaking inside just as deeply as I was at the thought of my mother leaving us for good.

  “What if I can’t accept it?” I asked him, knowing I sounded childish but unable to stop myself. She and Caleb were the only family I had, and I wasn’t near ready to lose either one of them.

  “You’re gonna have ta find a way, son. What’s done is done. We’ll all have ta find a way ta help each other through it.” Caleb placed a strong hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

  “You’re takin’ this surprisingly well,” I commented, wondering how he could do that when I knew he adored her as much as I did. Both of our worlds rose and set around her.

  “I expected it ta be honest. She was just makin’ sure there’d be someone ta take care of ya before she did it. She knew I’d be all right in the end,” he informed me, brushing away some of the tears still leaking from his eyes. “And she’s right, I will be. I know she’ll be shinin’ her light down on me once she’s up there in heaven, and I’ll have the memories we created ta keep me warm ‘til we’re together again.”

  “Why didn’t y’all ever go public with your relationship?” I asked, tired of not knowing. They had to have known I knew, and so did everyone else on the ranch and back in town. No one thought any less of either of them, after all that had gone down.

  “Bonnie felt it was improper, since technically she’s still married ta that rat bastard. He never filed for divorce, and she never could find him ta do it either. In the eyes of God and the law, we were committin’ a sin,” Caleb responded, his frustration making his voice tenser as he explained. “And, once again, ya know how yer mama is when she gets somethin’ in that mind a hers.”

  Oh how I knew. I’d come straight to Caleb after leaving the house, praying he’d be able to help me convince her to change her mind, that he’d help me convince her to fight for the two of us and our little family. Unfortunately, he’d grasped the situation quicker than I had.

  “So…are ya gonna follow through with yer mama’s last request of ya?” Caleb asked after we’d sat quietly for a while.

  I hadn’t even thought of Carissa and the whole crazy marriage idea since I’d found Caleb and explained everything going on. In some ways, it had been a relief, for just a few moments in time, to not be constantly imagining her naked and writhing beneath my body anywhere on a flat surface my mind could conjure us on.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want another relationship. I just wanna live the rest of my life doin’ my own thing without havin’ to answer to nobody,” I told him, staring out toward the horizon as the sun beat it’s scorching rays down on our emotionally battered bodies.

  “So ya’d rather leave that poor girl defenseless against a father who’d pretty much sell her off, by the sounds of it, and some unknown man who could do ta her what your daddy did ta your ma?” Caleb asked me, and my eyes shot to him as if they’d been fired from a gun.

  “What the hell are ya talkin’ ‘bout now?” I demanded, not having a clue what he was referring to.

  “Yer granddaddy handpicked your daddy for yer ma ta marry, and like the good daddy’s girl she was, she married him without a complaint uttered from her lips. Even after the first time he beat her—on their weddin’ night, no less—she refused ta say a cross word against the man ‘cause it would destroy her daddy ta know the situation he’d put her in, thinkin’ he was doin’ right by her. For years, she took that man’s abuse…makin’ excuses for the bruises and broken bones she carried around like a second set of clothes,” Caleb explained, and I felt my eyes grow wide in horror at the scene Caleb was painting for me. I’d never known any of this. “Bonnie really does see herself in Carissa. She sees a chance to protect a girl from everythin’ she’s been through, knowin’ the man ya are, the man she raised ya ta be.”

  I blew out a breath, my brain working overtime to process all the information it had received this morning without a wink of sleep the night before and only one cup of coffee encouraging it to function properly under those circumstances.

/>   “Wow…” My voice was a whisper as a hatred I never knew I could feel welled up in my chest for the man who’d donated half my DNA. “I never saw him raise a hand to her.”

  “That’s ‘cause when she found out she was pregnant, she started knockin’ him out with her trusty cast iron skillet every time he came near her with that look in his eye. Even after ya were born, she refused to allow him ta lay another finger on her, or ya for that matter. I came along a coupla years later and helped him ta keep his fists ta himself, even takin’ a beatin’ or two for y’all ta keep ya both safe,” Caleb admitted, and I closed my eyes, horror I’d never imagined playing out behind my lids as I pictured all he was tellin’ me. I never understood how a man could treat his family so horribly.

  “I never knew…” I breathed, distraught at all my family had been through that I’d never even known about. It hurt my heart to know the sacrifices they’d made for me.

  “Yeah, well… I kinda broke a promise just now by tellin’ ya, but too late now.” Caleb shrugged, still watching me closely in case what he’d just laid on my shoulders was too much to bear and he’d have to rein me in before all hell broke loose. My temper was fierce when I lost control of it.

  “Mama shoulda told me herself,” I mumbled, angry with her all over again for keeping secrets from me.

  “She didn’t wanna poison ya against yer daddy any more than ya already were. He’d inflicted enough damage on his own, without ya knowin’ the details of their past. She was also afraid ya’d take off on a tear tryin’ ta find the son of a bitch ta make him pay,” Caleb explained, still not dampening the emotion I felt in my heart. I knew it was mostly grief influencing how I felt, but it felt good to grasp onto and hold the anger close. “She didn’t want that at all. She didn’t want his blood on your hands.”

  “Yeah, well, that shoulda been my decision to make, now shouldn’t it?” I asked bitterly, yanking a tall blade of grass from the ground and shredding it before repeating the process several times more, trying to calm myself before I blew up.